When Jade and I finally made the decision Saturday that I was going to be separating in February, something in my heart leapt. Since then I have had several people ask me what and why questions. I used to dodge these questions and give answers to the asker that I thought would satisfy their curiosity. I think a lot of us do that most of the time. But I have decided to start being me again and answer their curiosity with honesty. I use words like "heart" and "Jesus" and say crazy things like "I'm satisfied with what I've accomplished in the Air Force." These, of course, are all unspokenly forbidden words and phrases in the military. People really don't know how to respond to that. If you've ever been in the military you know that the primary job most people hold is to give you advice. When they hear that I am living from my heart, they don't really have any advice to give, so it's kind of funny.
It makes me wonder how many people in America hold on to the thing they have, even if they hate it, because the change is more scary than the misery they swim in everyday. I heard the phrase a few years back, "I'd rather be right, than happy." It really made me wonder what kinds of miseries I was holding on to in order to stay right. I was clutching with a death grip a lot of stuff. And most of it was just me. I had my hands full of me. I'd like to think I might have at least one hand free by now, but it depends on the day. Mostly I would desire the company of others and when I got it, I would sabotage the relationship just enough to need them again. And the process would repeat. "I need you, I need you! Stay away, don't get too close! I need you, I need you! I said stay back! Keep your distance!" I still do that, to an extent. It's a hard habit to break. I think other people do that too because I can tell when I'm being pushed away. Which is pretty embarrassing to think about because I'm sure other people can tell when I push them away as well. Which also makes me appreciate those friends that have amazingly stuck with me through all of that. I have some incredible friends!
Just a peek into Mark's mind for the day. Hope you all have a good one!
2 comments:
Having given up a very stable job to join the military and go back to school, I understand how it is sometimes more difficult to take that chance and leap into the unknown instead of staying miserable in situations that are predictable. You'll be fine. :) More than fine, probably. You have to do what you think is right and what will bring you and your family happiness in this life.
As for people in the military not understanding when you say you're going to follow your heart... they are probably secretly jealous. Because every military member, especially when they're deployed, probably wishes they were anywhere but the place they're at. It sucks to be away from family and friends and be FORCED into situations like the one you're in. The military is ALL about personal sacrifice for THEIR version of the greater good, but you see beyond that. Some of those men and women will never get to that point. They will forever be stuck in the military mindset, sucked into a risky life that is not necessarily as full of meaning as they hoped. Disillusionment and disappointment are a constant companion to a soldier and his family. Some can glean a little meaning and purpose from that... some don't. And fewer still are those who are in situations that are economically uncertain and yet choose to go another path.
I believe you're doing the right thing. All that really matters in life are the relationships we form. We can rationalize and say that technology and progress are what matters... but personally, I think knowledge and the pursuit of it are intrinsically human and while they contribute to it, they will never be the reason we find joy or happiness in life.
It's not just America that we cling to what we know. Look at India and the Far East. It used to be that people were born into castes or classes and that was their destiny to stay there. It's a human thing. And it is extremely liberating to break free from it. :)
As for the constant push and pull of those who are close to you -- I struggled with the same thing for a really long time. When you bring someone close to you and open up, you open yourself up to being hurt. You are vulnerable. It's hard stuff being vulnerable and allowing someone to have the ability to hurt or disappoint you.
I hope you have a good day, too, bro.
Love ya. ^_^
Heather, you are amazing. You pinpointed several things that get burried and often go unsaid. Thank you for your vote of confidence. It means a lot to me. And even though you are in the middle of a tough go and will probably face much tougher situations in the future, I am certain you will do well also. You're a fighter, you fight for what you want and what you believe in. You'll battle through this season and the seasons to come, maybe get a few bruises, but you'll make it through and it will be worth it in the end. Your daughters will be VERY proud of their Mommy. ;)
I'm still chewing on a few of your comments, but I wanted to let you know I appreciate you. Love you sis!
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