the days
they pass so suddenly
the hours
they drag
the months
just disappear
the years...
this last year
vanish without a thought
and i sit and ponder "what has this year brought?"
i remember last january i sat in the corner of a starbuck's with a dear friend
weighing, testing, balling, wrestling with whether to join the air force
since then, i joined
and over the year i have:
performed hundreds, maybe thousands of push-ups
performed hundreds of sit-ups/crunches
jogged/ran/sprinted for hundreds of miles
been yelled at for other people's mistakes
yelled at other's for their mistakes
held my tongue
spoken too soon
waited patiently
been too impatient
yelled at my kids
been way too angry
took my daughter on a date
heard my son yell "i love you dad!"
driven for thousands of miles
spent way too much spontaneously
saved a little
pulled strangers in
pushed everyone away
I am tired now. In everything I have accomplished and the good things I have done for myself and my family this past year I have forgotten to cry. I have friends, a couple, that live in Kansas City... I was so excited for them... the struggles and victories they have had in their marriage... I was so happy to hear they were having a baby. They just found out the baby is dead.
and i cry. Michael, this tear is for you and your baby.
It takes nothing for me now to snap to and do my job. Because that is what I do and that is what needs to be done. I get my job done, and I do it better than anybody else in the world. What if what I have found in motivation and persistence I have lost in sensitivity and heart? I wrote a poem, or limerick if I may, about legacy before I left Boise. Another friend of mine (seem to have a lot of those nowadays[i wonder how many are reciprocated?... anyway]) made a poster out of it and framed it in a really nice frame and gave it to me before I left. I pulled it out recently and hung it over our computer in the dining room. Anyway, I'll share it with you here:
Legacy
To which am I to give of this time
To a time beyond my time
To a people beyond my people
Legacy is what we are after we leave
Ne'er can we avoid it
Ever we radiate it
Is your legacy pleasant or putrid
Do others experience a legacy from you that is pretty or pathetic
What if I said...
You are my legacy
The lives I leave behind in my wake
The wonder of those discovered in my presence
Again, you are my legacy
My success determined by your lives
What legacy will you emanate?
You
Are
My
Legacy
I have replaced my insecurities with something else. I no longer react to my insecurities by questioning myself and backing down. Now I just get angry. This troubles me. It is new and I don't know how to respond right now. It takes some slowing down and serious thought time and concentration to delve deeply into this. Can I slow down? If I do, can I find motivation again? Can I be a soldier and be sensitive at the same time?
1 comment:
Mark, thank you for your honesty. Military life is tough. My dad was in the Navy for 24 years (he got out when I was 13) and my parents almost divorced a couple of times when I was a kid. It's a miracle they never did cuz they didn't have Jesus back then. They do now...but even today I see the toll that military life took on their marriage and on their abilities to be sensitive to each other and know how to communicate when they hurt. I inherited all those lovely inner hangups...and like you, I have found at times that anger has been my response to fears or insecurities...rejections and disappointments, instead of heartfelt compassion, sensitivity and honest cries for help. I have been praying for you guys. I know its tough. I've been told that being a Christian in the military is extremely hard...I applaud you for hanging in there. And as you're learning....it's not just you who is in the AF ...Jade and the kids are also. You all have been, are, and will be affected by it. Praise God you know God and you can cling to Him as you struggle through the journey. You're on the advent-ure my friend. God give all of you strength to endure...that the military will not become your identity and your reaction to life. God bless you. -Lisa
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